far away my grandmother withers, her voice fades & is full of memories. grandfather lies on a bed & bleeds & never moves. grandmother talks of bedsores, & his toenails have begun to fall off, one by one like the leaves of a tree. he would like to speak with me. she would like to see me again. how space is unfathomable. i have to go. i have to go.
promises i made to myself as a child: i would eat all the candy i wanted, always have fun, stay up all night, sleep as late as i wanted, be spontaneous, search out beauty in all things, live with my friends, sit as close to the tv as i wanted, not make up rules just to have rules, do what i wanted, when i wanted. i would never care more about work than play, never be like my parents, never yell at people or hit them, i would not be afraid to try new things, never stop learning, never like classical music, never wear polyester, never cut my hair short, never stop climbing trees, never stop exploring, never lose touch with my friends, never let my heart die, never give up, never stop trying, never give in to religion, never be bored, never give up anything for a man, never have children...
the dogs they are barking they are barking barking calling my name
sometimes you'll look into the leaves of a tree & dream. sometimes you'll fly into the highest branches - swoop back to earth like a bird & the sky lifts you up again into its blue cup
how i liked to sit in the treetops & watch the birds. later - climbing the tree & sitting in the cradle of its highest limbs - seeing to the farthest distances & never wanting to come down again - promising myself i would never stop climbing trees, never stop sitting in the highest branches. never stop exploring the miles surrounding my house till i knew every yard & every road like the map of my hands.
fall in a puddle & curl your legs into a mermaid tail - till the memory of worms sends you off into the rushing air - crackling leaves like fire beneath your feet - crack of buckeyes over buckling sidewalks - ancient knobby root fingers everything is so alive
the snow falling so quiet - run home to the fire - red streak through the snow - before the giant returns
stare hard down the long dark road - watching for the ghosts of cats
in the attic we find creaking trunks stuffed with old photographs & with a needle we poke out all their eyes then held before the bare bulb our ancestors become demons; their eyes glow in the dark.
cat claws screeching down the metal laundry shoot into the dank dark basement get in that tub or i'll call the bogeyman and she picks up the phone & begins to dial - down the creaking wooden stair the stone walls sweat & moss & mold grow in the cracks - smells of a grave - & above you hear the latch turn & the light click off - alone in the dark with the scratching & the smells of death - the door is locked & the light switch on the other side of that locked door & you know it's hiding beneath the stair - waiting for you to make your way in the dark & waiting to grab your legs through the stair as you ascend to bang on the door & cry & cry & cry
a small door, a child's door - opened & hunching through. a small wood room with an angled roof - one oval window as its length - smeary & dust-laden, the sill lined with the corpses of wasps. how she longed to wipe it clean, to being in a bed & desk & shelf & make her nest here in the sky, looking out the oval window out onto the purple lake & the ruby-gold sun rising over the black mountains.
smoke smoke gets in your eyes... a veil of smoke over her eyes i could taste her tears on her lips her lips tasted of tears an angel appeared at the foot of her bed as she slept in her dreams the angel spoke to her caressed her hair & kissed her face she woke in the night with burning fevers burn marks flowered where the angel's kisses were planted pale as moonlight hair red as fire
she thought she wanted to swing on the swings & fly up into the sky. she felt golden. she wanted to feel this always. the shadows and sunlight laying in her bed. the light glistening in the glass jars on the windowsill. the falling sunflowers, leaning, leaning.
i want to dance & i want to sing i want to kiss & spin dizzy i want to fly in a starry sky i want to be loved by angels drowning in jewel glass skies candle light flickers in her eyes stars sparkle in windowless skies i want to shiver i want to shake i want to lie down & never wake
she was a stone tumbling against the currents of the river. she was taking root in a lush bank. she would grow strong limbs that reached for sky and roots that stretched out deep into the earth and drank deep from the throbbing river that passed.
in the basement, behind a brick - a space - an old metal box. she breaks the lock - within are pictures of children - all of them naked. she is one of them. she knows there are secrets. she will go back & find them out.
a loose board in the kitchen - a secret door to an old unused wine cellar. closets that are in reality secret passageways from one room to the next. a brick pressed on the fireplace that unlocks a door to a secret room. outside - two doors lying side by side on the ground - leading down into the earth. two old houses burned to the ground - a whisper of ashes in the air - you can never go back again. the roof i jumped from - now earth, - the wine cellar, the crashed car in the woods, the snake in the barn, the toads devoured by dogs.
in the basement - a dark room in one corner, a workshop in the other. at the far end - a great wooden door, barred, walls of stone - a windowless room - the coal bin. in her cousin's room - a doorframe on the wall - a sealed door - never opened, leading - where?
her room on the second floor - a door leading to sky - open air - a door for flying.
childhood mysteries.
the two girls who picked you up - playing in the front yard of your cousin's house - carried you off far away - into a back yard somewhere. & in a flowerbed took off all your clothes. a woman's face peering out the back window - curls of steam from the dishes she's washing rise about her face. did you cry? the girls leave & you put your clothes back on & find your way back to your cousin's house. her birthday party is over the guest have all gone home. all the cake's been eaten - the party got over hours ago. no one seems worried over your absence.
we lie to make our lives more interesting & as we lie over the years the lies become truth - the lies become our lives.
there's a secret key to a forbidden room within you. if you find the key, you can unlock the door to the forbidden room. & once the door to that room is unlocked - you will know the truth & never be the same again. you will never be able to lock the door or forget what you saw within that room ever again. you will carry the key with you forever & it will be stained with blood.
open the door
you awaken in the night. voices in the hall, steps, footsteps coming closer & closer - they stop just outside the door. a knocking, someone's knocking at the door. your heart thuds wildly against your rib cage. do you open the door? who's at the door? who is that knocking at the door? you hold your breath. is the door locked? is the knob turning? is someone entering the room? your eyes are squeezed shut. is someone walking towards your bed?
we gather together & pretend nothing ever happened. we talk in whispers & creep in the shadows & make believe we have forgotten. we feel it there - at the edge of the mind, hiding in a shadow, hiding at the bottom of the lake, hiding on the tip of our tongues,
a music box, a well, a doll, a secret forbidden room, the bottom of the lake, a blood-stained key, a girl sleeping in a tower, pricked her finger on a spindle & fell into a deep sleep, a glass coffin in the forest, mermaids - sirens luring sailors to a watery grave, vampires drinking blood for eternal life, angels, closets, basements, attics, secret gardens, enchanted forests - the dark dark wood, the magic cottage, crows, swans, dragon flies, abandoned churches, jewels, silk & velvet, candlelight, red wine, strobe lights
tears
crying
i hear a child crying
in the darkness of the night
a crying child
somewhere
up the dark stairs i ascend
& down the long narrow hall
& i open the door of my childhood room
a child crying
it is me
it is me
